My Life

As I sit up another night all alone thinking of you. Today 9 years ago is a day that forever impacted my life! It changed me in so many ways. This day has made me a better mother to the three beautiful children i am blessed with <3 This day had made me so grateful for the things I do have in life.

Today means so many things to me. Its the day I lost two of the most precious things in life, my twin boys. I never got to say goodbye or even hear them cry. I think that the hardest part.

Finding out your pregnant for the first time is so exciting and trust me I was excited! I spent so many years being the best Aunt possible. I couldn't wait to have a child of my own, someone who would love me as much as I love them!

Around this time of year my mind goes back to the day I first found out. I went to Sarah's house with a pregnancy test Nick and I had bought at Giant Eagle.. Within seconds it showed positive, I can remember almost falling down the stairs from the excitement of running to tell Everyone. Then we went up to moms house and of course I called My BFF!

I can still remember how excited I was! I was never more excited for anything in my life! I was finally going to be a mom <3 As the weeks went past I got kinda sick, My doctors just assume awful morning sickness. Long story short I switched Dr's at about 4 months and was admitted to the hospital for dehydration. I remember being their alone. It was the way I wanted it. My new doctor wanted an ultrasound to make sure my baby was okay. I couldn't wait to see my baby for the first time.. Of course I cried it was one of life's greatest things seeing your baby on that ultrasound machine. Little to my surprise I was told I was having not one but two babies. I couldn't believe and couldn't wait to share the news.

As weeks went by I got better, My babies were growing great and things were moving along. It wasn't long before we found out we were having boys. Then the fun began with picking out names and things. Of course its no surprise Nick and I could not agree on any names. I can remember sitting with a baby book for hours just joking about different names. Nicholas and My mom were so set on the name Gavin So we agreed They got Gavin and I got Zachary <3

When your pregnant you form a special bond. You carry that child for 40 or so weeks. A child that's growing inside of you. One you seldom get to see through ultrasound and often feel them moving around. I can remember the somersaults they use to do.

Nicholas use to sit and rub my belly and talk to them. We could talk to them for hours. I use to love just laying and watching them move around.

I remember my last week with them like it was only yesterday. I remember going to the hospital at 35 and a half week because my contractions were back. I remember the doctor saying to me that "If my babies were born that day {9/19/02} they wouldn't make it. I remember the doctor never checked me and just told me to go home.

We called to make an appointment with a new doctor who couldn't see us until the 23rd. I though everything was fine, Although i had contractions my babies were moving around more then ever. I waited out the days till my doctors appointment.

I can remember September 23, 2002 like it was yesterday. I got woke up because they babies were moving around and I was uncomfortable. I called my bff and wished her a happy birthday. I feel back asleep and woke in the am to shower up and get ready for the appointment. I remember sitting in that waiting room and then finally going back. The doctor measured me and then got the thing out to listen to their heartbeats. At this moment I could tell something was wrong, I couldn't hear anything. I've heard it so many times before they were fast loud heart beats very easy to find. After she tried for what at the time seemed like hours. She sent me to the hospital.. All I could think of on the what seemed like long walk to the hospital was their had to be a different reason.

They got me settled in a room and brought up a portable ultrasound maching. I knew right away they were looking for their heartbeats. I was very well aware of what they should of looked like and I could see none. It was like no one wanted to tell me what was going on. Soon the doctor came in and said" I'm sorry to tell you this but your babies didn't make it. I can remember tell her their was something she had to do, this just can't be true. She had to deliver my babies and bring them back to me.

The reality of the matter is this just couldn't be done. I can remember being in that hospital bed begging that someone do something to save my babies. After hours of labor I got to see my twins. I can still feel the pain today i felt way back then. I remember the days after and laying in that hospital bed wondering what I could have done! It was so hard leaving that hospital knowing that just days before I gave birth to two beautiful boys but was going home alone.

I had a beautiful nursery all set up for their arrival and a closet full of clothes. I don't know what was harder taking all that down or leaving that hospital that day without my little ones.

I do know the hardest part of everything was the day of the funeral, I didn't have it in me to leave that funeral home because I knew that day would be the last day I would see my little ones. I held it all together until the time had come that I had to leave that place and it just couldn't be done. I remember Nicholas saying come on its time to go and I just yelled right back at him and said I could not go. I couldn't leave my little ones they need me and I needed them.

The days weeks and months later were no easier. I couldn't bare the pain of losing my little ones. Thinking back now I'm not sure how I ever made it through.

As the years have past i hide the pain all away until this day comes and then its like months of crying all rolled into one.

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if the events of today never happend nine years ago. What if I was able to bring my babies home with me. Would I still be the mother I am today? Would I still have my three beautiful children. Would all five of them be together? I can't go back in time and change the past although at times i wish i could. I can't change the past because that would change the future.

When I look at my sons and daughter, I sometimes wonder if Gavin and Zachary would of looked like them. Would they be brainy like Austin or Wild and Crazy like Ryleigh? Would they have the adorable looks of Dominik? Would they be kind hearted like Austin always thinking of other or be sporty like Ryleigh? Would they look like me or their daddy? Who's personility would they have? Would they do good in school?

I will spend the rest of my life missing my little boys and hope one day we will meet again in heaven. Until that day I will be missing you<3 The hardest part is not ever being able to know what this happened.. My babies were healthy 6.5 and 6.6 lb babies. Who would have made it had that doctor delieved them that day!!

Let’s just begin by saying the last few weeks have been some of the hardest for me as a mother. Every morning i get up and drop my children off at a before and after school program. Now as many of you know in this day and age you have to have both parents working in the household. Prices of things are just crazy and well who can make it on one income Right!? So the start of the school year was going great. Then all of the sudden i had a problem with the school punishing my 5 year old child for 30 mins in a room by herself all because she was left in the bathroom unattended and she thought it would be fun to lock the stalls. Now I'm not saying what she did was right but let’s be real here did she really need to be punished like that? So this very same day i called the school, the after school program aka as learning lamp decided they had a problem with not only Ryleigh but Austin too because they was nit picking with each other. Again lets be serious here they are siblings what siblings don't tend to pick with each other. I walk in to get my kids and the worker (who i should mention also works very closely with the school) jump down my throat. I mean no respect for me at all and before i could even say anything she walks out of the gym. I myself though it was necessary to call the director of the program and get things worked out. I though afterwards I got everything worked out between the school and the learning lamp. Guess i was sadly mistaking!!!

So two weeks ago i get this note from the learning lamp that Austin was very disrespectful and they are not going to put up with it. Mind you no one told me anything about my kids misbehaving in any manner prior to this note. I walk in get them and no one says anything to me about how they are doing or what they have done. Well of course after i read the letter i sit down and talk with Austin, he tells me that the older kids in the learning lamp are calling him not very nice names and saying other things to him they well are so inappropriate i will not even mention. He also admits he called the one worker a retard, because she was allowing the other children to call him names. I am not excusing what he did and I told him those are not things we say to adults, but i can understand where he is coming from. These kids are picking on him day after day and nothing is being done about it. So he feels if they can call him names and not get in trouble he can do it too Right? Wrong he can't because that's not the type of kid he is. Anyone who knows my Austin knows he is the sweetest most caring kid ever. He has been in a daycare/school for the last 4 years; I have never had anyone refer to him as DISRESPECTFUL! I as a mother do not take someone writing me two different notes stating my child is disrespectful lightly. Considering the fact that NOTHING is said to me when I pick my children up at the end of my work day. Any one of us who has dealt with a child care center knows that if your child is having problems, you talk with the parent when they pick their child/children up. Who wants to go home and read a note. I mean we are not talking about teachers here. Teachers write note because they don't see parents on a daily basis. I on the other hand go in and pick my kids up every day and they can address any issues they may have, not write me a note to read when i am already home, how are things suppose to get addressed in that manner.

So Friday morning I once again called the director because personality i think the whole situation is a bunch of bull shit!! I am not saying my children are perfect but they are not so out of control the way this lady is making them seem! I should also mention i didn't have a problem at learning lamp with my children in till I had the problem with the school. I expressed the first time i called the director i feel that the employ who works with the school is basing her options on what happened with the school. That I understand she works both places but she needed to keep them separate because the two don't have anything to do with each other. That just because she works with Ryleigh's teacher does not give her the right to have it affect the children after school in the learning lamp program. I was told things were going to be kept separate, and this employ was not to discuss anything from school in the learning lamp and vs. verse. I also feel as though this situation got worse because of the fact i called and expressed my concerns, She was also told she should discuss any problems with the children when i pick my kids up, yet she keeps writing me notes to find when i get home. I mean we are all grown up here, i can see writing a note if i wasn't there to talk to but I am. It’s like she was saying by sending me more notes i can do what i want and pretty much shows she has lack of respect for not only me but my children as well.

Back to i called the head people of the learning lamp, This lady was of course taking the side of her employees by stating my children are out of control, Really then why is this just now being brought to my attention and if Jolene (the person who works at both school &learning lamp) can take the time to call and complain about my children to other people, Why can she not take the time to talk to me RIGHT!? So as i am trying to explain to this lady that my child has been complain about the kids picking with him, the only thing she can say is well I haven't heard anything else about anyone else kids but you. REALLY?! Then I asked her well I don't understand why they are not telling me about their concerns when I pick my children up. Can you believe she has the nerve to say they are AFRAID to talk to me because I am rude!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! I have never done/said anything rude to them (Jolene or Jess) I greet them in the morning and tell them have a good evening as I am leaving with my children. They never say anything to me no even as much as a hello, but yet I am the rude one. On top of that when you work in child care you have to have talk to parents and communicate. I talk to my daycare parents every single day and address any concerns I have with them. I have been screamed at on many occasions but even those parents who have done that I still show them the same respect I do for the other ones. I would never ignore them or not address a situation in fear of them getting upset that the things you deal with when you work with the public. In my case i have never disrespected Jolene or Jess so therefore that only leaves me to believe this is a cover up because they are not doing their job!! They do not communicate concerns with me nor do they handle the bulling that is going on in the center. Instead they ignore it! My child was told to ignore the kids picking on him and they didn't get in trouble at all! The director tells me well those are things kids do so we tend to just say ignore it REALLY?! I thought to solve a problem you take care of the situation so it doesn’t go on and on and get worse! I would never tell my children in my care to ignore another child calling them names I talk to them and explain to them why we shouldn't do these things so that it stops. When you ignore a child calling another child names the problem gets worse cause eventually the child who is getting picked on decides they have had enough and starts fighting back. We as care givers should never ignore a problem like that it’s not like saying oh he won't let me play, bulling is far worse and should be handled.

When I got off work Friday I went right up the school and meet with 2 head people at learning lamp. I'm not so sure I got much accomplished in terms of how my children are being treated. I'm not so sure they even consider that Austin is being bullied and that is why he is acting out because he DOES NOT act like that anywhere else and was not acting like that in learning lamp in till these kids started picking on him day after day! I am not excusing Austin’s behavior by all means but if they would do their job and handle the things that are going on these things would not be happening! When you go to a parent/teacher conference and the teacher feels the need to state " I just want to let you know Austin is good as gold in my class and I even asked the music, gym, library, and art teacher and they all say he is good as well"!You know their is something wrong!! I even stated these facts to the directors of the learning lamp just trying to point out that there is more going on then Jolene and Jess are telling them because these are not typical behaviors of my child. Her response was I'm not concerned with what they say it has nothing to do with me. Really but yet Jolene feels the need to go tell my child's teacher things, when really she has no business discussing Austin with his teacher because his teacher has nothing to do with the learning lamp! You are not allowed to discuss my child with anyone not in the learning lamp! This would just be like a doctor discussing another patients information with someone not associated with the doctor’s office!!! RIGHT?!?! It almost seems like she has total disregards for the rules of private information not to be shared with outside sources. It’s like she was trying to influences Austin’s teachers’ option of him! She knows he’s a good child but Jolene is telling her different. So she might question the fact. Although his teacher ensured me this would not be the case!

I have talked with Austin a few times and told him just because other people are calling you names please don't act like that and call names back be the bigger person. Most parents would tell their child to fight back and give them a taste of their own medicine. I don't want my child to be a bully and belittle other children. I have taught my children to respect others and treat them the way you like to be treated. I would never allow them or tell them to treat others the way he is being treated! Yet the people at the learning lamp state "Jolene and Jess feel that you are unwilling to address these issues" Really that's funny cause most of this stuff I am just hearing about. That also brought up that 7 weeks ago Ryleigh said the word ass First it’s not a swear word and second she right away said she was sorry. No she shouldn't of said it but it’s something that was already taken care of why bring it up Is that all they have? Why because they need to find something wrong that takes the focus off of the fact they are not doing their job!!!

I can tell over the past six weeks I pissed the lady off for calling her "boss”, but if she wouldn't have screamed at me i would of never felt I needed to take it that far. I give respect and would also like it back in return. I am not a child in their care and well personally I think if she can yell at me like that how she is talking to my children. Just because she has a degree does not give her any right to talk to me that way. And I might add walking out of the gym before I could even say anything in response. How professional is that?

I often wonder if these "problems" with my children are really things they are situations or if they are adding more to it because they dislike the fact I went above their head! As a parent I need to feel comfortable with who I am leaving my children with. I am at the point where I wish I could just quit my job that way I don't have to worry about them being mistreated or bullied. I often second guess if being a working mom is the right thing for my children. Is the need to work and provided them with what they need and want worth the effects these situations are putting them through? So far the things going on in learning lamp have not affected Austin in school. He is top of his class; he is a very fast learner and is reading on a second grade level in only first grade. He is very smart child. He helps out other children with their work in class after he has finished his. He has been teaching his sister how to read and often helps her with her homework. Being bullied in the learning lamp and then being punished for sticking up for himself can have very negative effect on him.

The fact that the learning lamp directors will not even take in to account that he is being bullied because Jolene and Jess didn't tell them is crazy! I am telling you what is going on, and even though I am so irritated with the situation I still did not say negative things about the workers. I used respect when talking with the directors. I even say maybe they are not aware of the things being said; because Austin is afraid he will be picked on more. Afraid things will get worse. I also feel as though he is not comfortable with talking to Jolene or Jess because when he did say something he was pretty much yelled at and told to ignore them! So maybe he feels as though it’s pointless to tell them when nothing is being done, so he just does it back?

I have another meeting on Wednesday with both Jess and Jolene because they were mysteriously unable to come on Friday. Where i was told i need to sit down and listen to them talk. Really I'm supposed to sit and listen to them say all kinds of things they were unable to communicate with me over the last how many weeks. I read the things she wrote in two notes over the last two weeks, calling my child names and saying she is not putting up with anything. I'm just not so sure i can listen and be quiet when someone is saying untrue things about my child. Or the fact that she was unable to tell me these things when they happened! But yet she wants me to take time off work to talk to her when she was unable to communicate with me over the last several weeks. I mean last time i checked you don't punish a child for things that happened weeks ago. Just because someone felt they couldn't tell you about them. When it is their JOB to tell you things that may concern them about your child! This whole situation boils down to the fact that not only Jolene but Jess as well were not doing their job in making me aware that there was a situation with either one of my children. And to bring up old facts about Ryleigh saying ass is just crazy or bringing up the fact that Austin called Jess a retard when he was already in trouble and told her he was sorry! Not to mention him saying this just stems back to him being called that in learning lamp and her doing nothing about it!! Anything else I was not aware of and well that is not my fault it is theirs!!! If my child does something wrong I will be the first one to correct them and explain to them why these are things we do not do! But I will not punish my child for sticking up for himself when he felt that was the only way to go after the people who were left watching him failed to do their job as a child care provider!

When you pick your child up at the end of the work day and you find one crying and another one hiding and no one paying attention to them, that is when i felt the need to take things to someone hire up! Now it seems like my actions are making things even harder for my children in the learning lamp. Not only are they being mistreated by other children but staff as well. Taking it out on my kid because i called your "boss" really?! Calling him names or saying he has behavior problems when we all know that is not even close to being the case. A child with behavior problems isn't good EVERWHERE else and bad for you! Yes i do know children act different ways for different people. I myself have a few kids their moms always say when leaving now make sure you listen and i always reply they are so good here, and then the parent replies I wish they were like that at home. My children often act up at home, But they have been in MANY daycares also attended preschool programs and they have NEVER been referred to as disrespectful or having a behavior issue until I called someone’s boss! So with that said this just leads me to believe that this is not a situation with my children it is a situation with the people who are trusted to care for them!

Although I would LOVE to pull my children out of the program, I am stuck.... In the area where I live there are NO daycares that are in the same school district to bus my kids back and forth to school. The only thing at this point I am able to do is send them home on the bus where my niece can care for them for the few hrs till i get home from work. That still leaves them in the hand of people who truly do not care about their well being for 1.5 hrs in the morning. {They typically do not have problems in the morning} I gave my son journals that he can draw or write in in the morning and told him to write things down people are saying to him.

I also do not feel as though I should have to quit my job because they have a worker with a stick up her ass. These programs are designed for parents like me and nick, who have to work and has no one to put their child on and off the bus! People often wonder why there are so many people on welfare, well maybe they don't want their children being mistreated so they would rather not work and stay home with them. I'm not saying all are like this, but if i could make it on welfare or in a one income household i would definitely be quitting my job to ensure my children are not being mistreated!! But instead i will fight until things are solved and once again I feel as my children are being treated fairly! If they do something wrong by all means give them a time out but lets not take it out on the children because i called your boss, because I will call who ever i need to till i feel things are being taken care of. And if that means calling someone other than the directors of learning lamp you better bet I will. I don't care how far up the chain I got to go I will do it to ensure my children are NOT being mistreated by staff and other children! I proved this to the school district when it came to Ryleigh being mistreated by her teacher punishing her for far too long and in a room by herself. Since then I have had no problems with Ryleigh’s teacher and we have an understanding. I agree she needed to have a time out but one that was suitable for her age!!

On that note.... I hope Wednesday I am able to resolve an issues Jolene seems to have with me that is affecting her judgment on my children!!! It is clear she dislikes me and has no respect for me because if that wasn’t the case she would of talked with me instead of writing stupid notes after I asked her to please talk with me and if she wasn’t there and didn’t want Jess to talk to me then just give me a call at work or my cell and I would be able to talk about anything she was concerned about! Although I don’t understand why Jess works there or why she is the one there when I pick up my children if she is unable to let me know about concerns? I mean I am not always at work but if I have a concern about something that happened that day I just let one of my co-workers know so they can talk with the parent. It’s called lines of communication and without it these are the problems that occur! When you work in “childcare” you need to be able to communicate with the parents and if you are unable to do that then maybe you should get into a different line of work. Sometimes I hate having to have certain conversations with parents because you don’t know how they will react but I do WHY??? Because it’s my job to let the parent knows how their child is doing, so that together we can provide a happy environment for the child! So that together we can ensure the child is getting the best care possible and together we can address any issues at hand and solve them before they get out of hand!

My Life

Friday, September 23, 2011

and things change forever....

Sunday, November 21, 2010

At the point i don't know what to do anymore!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Happy Birthday Gavin and Zachary!!