As I sit up another night all alone thinking of you. Today 9 years ago is a day that forever impacted my life! It changed me in so many ways. This day has made me a better mother to the three beautiful children i am blessed with <3 This day had made me so grateful for the things I do have in life.
Today means so many things to me. Its the day I lost two of the most precious things in life, my twin boys. I never got to say goodbye or even hear them cry. I think that the hardest part.
Finding out your pregnant for the first time is so exciting and trust me I was excited! I spent so many years being the best Aunt possible. I couldn't wait to have a child of my own, someone who would love me as much as I love them!
Around this time of year my mind goes back to the day I first found out. I went to Sarah's house with a pregnancy test Nick and I had bought at Giant Eagle.. Within seconds it showed positive, I can remember almost falling down the stairs from the excitement of running to tell Everyone. Then we went up to moms house and of course I called My BFF!
I can still remember how excited I was! I was never more excited for anything in my life! I was finally going to be a mom <3 As the weeks went past I got kinda sick, My doctors just assume awful morning sickness. Long story short I switched Dr's at about 4 months and was admitted to the hospital for dehydration. I remember being their alone. It was the way I wanted it. My new doctor wanted an ultrasound to make sure my baby was okay. I couldn't wait to see my baby for the first time.. Of course I cried it was one of life's greatest things seeing your baby on that ultrasound machine. Little to my surprise I was told I was having not one but two babies. I couldn't believe and couldn't wait to share the news.
As weeks went by I got better, My babies were growing great and things were moving along. It wasn't long before we found out we were having boys. Then the fun began with picking out names and things. Of course its no surprise Nick and I could not agree on any names. I can remember sitting with a baby book for hours just joking about different names. Nicholas and My mom were so set on the name Gavin So we agreed They got Gavin and I got Zachary <3
When your pregnant you form a special bond. You carry that child for 40 or so weeks. A child that's growing inside of you. One you seldom get to see through ultrasound and often feel them moving around. I can remember the somersaults they use to do.
Nicholas use to sit and rub my belly and talk to them. We could talk to them for hours. I use to love just laying and watching them move around.
I remember my last week with them like it was only yesterday. I remember going to the hospital at 35 and a half week because my contractions were back. I remember the doctor saying to me that "If my babies were born that day {9/19/02} they wouldn't make it. I remember the doctor never checked me and just told me to go home.
We called to make an appointment with a new doctor who couldn't see us until the 23rd. I though everything was fine, Although i had contractions my babies were moving around more then ever. I waited out the days till my doctors appointment.
I can remember September 23, 2002 like it was yesterday. I got woke up because they babies were moving around and I was uncomfortable. I called my bff and wished her a happy birthday. I feel back asleep and woke in the am to shower up and get ready for the appointment. I remember sitting in that waiting room and then finally going back. The doctor measured me and then got the thing out to listen to their heartbeats. At this moment I could tell something was wrong, I couldn't hear anything. I've heard it so many times before they were fast loud heart beats very easy to find. After she tried for what at the time seemed like hours. She sent me to the hospital.. All I could think of on the what seemed like long walk to the hospital was their had to be a different reason.
They got me settled in a room and brought up a portable ultrasound maching. I knew right away they were looking for their heartbeats. I was very well aware of what they should of looked like and I could see none. It was like no one wanted to tell me what was going on. Soon the doctor came in and said" I'm sorry to tell you this but your babies didn't make it. I can remember tell her their was something she had to do, this just can't be true. She had to deliver my babies and bring them back to me.
The reality of the matter is this just couldn't be done. I can remember being in that hospital bed begging that someone do something to save my babies. After hours of labor I got to see my twins. I can still feel the pain today i felt way back then. I remember the days after and laying in that hospital bed wondering what I could have done! It was so hard leaving that hospital knowing that just days before I gave birth to two beautiful boys but was going home alone.
I had a beautiful nursery all set up for their arrival and a closet full of clothes. I don't know what was harder taking all that down or leaving that hospital that day without my little ones.
I do know the hardest part of everything was the day of the funeral, I didn't have it in me to leave that funeral home because I knew that day would be the last day I would see my little ones. I held it all together until the time had come that I had to leave that place and it just couldn't be done. I remember Nicholas saying come on its time to go and I just yelled right back at him and said I could not go. I couldn't leave my little ones they need me and I needed them.
The days weeks and months later were no easier. I couldn't bare the pain of losing my little ones. Thinking back now I'm not sure how I ever made it through.
As the years have past i hide the pain all away until this day comes and then its like months of crying all rolled into one.
I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if the events of today never happend nine years ago. What if I was able to bring my babies home with me. Would I still be the mother I am today? Would I still have my three beautiful children. Would all five of them be together? I can't go back in time and change the past although at times i wish i could. I can't change the past because that would change the future.
When I look at my sons and daughter, I sometimes wonder if Gavin and Zachary would of looked like them. Would they be brainy like Austin or Wild and Crazy like Ryleigh? Would they have the adorable looks of Dominik? Would they be kind hearted like Austin always thinking of other or be sporty like Ryleigh? Would they look like me or their daddy? Who's personility would they have? Would they do good in school?
I will spend the rest of my life missing my little boys and hope one day we will meet again in heaven. Until that day I will be missing you<3 The hardest part is not ever being able to know what this happened.. My babies were healthy 6.5 and 6.6 lb babies. Who would have made it had that doctor delieved them that day!!
